Learning to say No and stepping in your own power.
There is no greater indication of growth in self-worth and self-love than getting offered an amazing, desirable opportunity, but having the self-love and self-understanding to turn it down. I’ve spent a lifetime being validated by others approval. Seeking self-worth through being offered those positions, being picked on those teams, being invited to those parties and being externally gratified. It’s only now. After a whole lot of bloody hard work that I realise that my self-worth comes from within and the only validation I need is my own. I release now that being brave enough to say no to that amazing board opportunity, simply because it’s not quite right for me, no matter how high profile and impressive – is a sign of enormous growth.
One of the other signposts, which took me so long to see (despite the shiny big, flashing letters) was if people value you, their actions will show it. Enough of the excuses, their actions are the keys to their feelings. That other mother whose kid you are always inviting over, checking up on and including, the fact that you’ve never been invited to their house, the fact that you’re in another city at the same time and your daughter is desperate to catch up and they couldn’t be bothered (despite being bothered to catch up with other mutual friends). The fact that you only hear from them when they want something – they are all very clear signposts. They don’t value you. Of course, that’s their prerogative and we don’t give to receive. Well, I don’t, but I don’t give to be taken advantage of either and if they can’t be bothered well then neither should I.
Years ago, I would have simmered with resentment at this revelation, now I just quietly process it and move off into the sunset. I don’t make the extra efforts now, I don’t spend hours researching the responses to her detailed travel questions, I don’t respond immediately to their anxious messages about their daughter’s friendship issues – I just smile, say a friendly hello and move on. I spend time with those who want me in their life and who value me and who I value. I give my time and my attention to those who want me in their life.
I don’t blame, resent, detest or seek any form of retribution. I don’t even berate myself for not seeing how little they valued me. I understand that my lack of self-worth meant I accepted that treatment. I know better now. They value other people more. I get it. I value some friendships more too. I’m not a hard drinking party girl (anymore) and I think that might be part of the issue, but it actually doesn’t matter. Because I now value myself enough to:
Say no to friendships in which I’m not valued or respected.
Say no to amazing job opportunities no matter how exciting and high profile, if they are just not right for me.
And in valuing myself enough to say no, I am stepping into my own power.
All power to you, my friend. This side of the road has a bloody nice view! When the only approval you need is your own – life becomes a lot easier to navigate.
