People pleasing is actually a pretty odd thing. You spend so much of your energy making sure other people are pleased that you often have little energy left for yourself. You drain your cup to fill theirs and often to no avail. Obviously, you hope to please them and for them to effectively like or love you, but we have no control over other people and their feelings. Who people like or love is often a reflection of themselves, it has very little to do with you.
Sure, you can host the most amazing dinner parties and events, always be there for everyone else and they will take advantage of it and want you around because you please them. Whether you are loved or liked by them is another story.
People pleasing is counter intuitive because so often you end up resentful of the people you are trying to please. You can drain yourself empty trying to please someone and then that last drop tips you over and you wonder why you bothered. It is at this moment that people pleasers walk away and the pleased party wonders what the hell happened.
Not being a people pleaser, being direct and transparent about how you feel, and your needs is actually kinder to all. If you’re always the martyr who does everything for everyone else, you’re not holding space for others to be kind or give of themselves. You take all the glory effectively and then you build resentment. People pleasing can be martyrish and it can actually be about the attention that comes with being the kind and helpful one. In those instances, you have the added discomfort of having to hide the resentment that is building inside you and then you have the disadvantage of not being able to be your authentic self.
Boundaries are the key to recovering from people pleasing, boundaries and honest self-reflection. Boundaries are the pathway to authenticity.
I had a nasty incident with an acquaintance recently. I called them to account respectfully and privately, and they blew a gasket and drew a crowd into the issue. In the past I would have been mortified and tried to appease the situation and make sure everyone else was ok, but not now. I reflected. Did I act accordingly to my values? Was I fair? Did I need to speak to the person? Did they need to be called to account and be aware of the issue? The answer to all of this was yes. So, I am comfortable with my actions and don’t care what they think. I care about them as a person, but their opinion doesn’t matter. I set a boundary, and they reacted dramatically (which is actually usually an indication that the boundary should have been set some time ago). One thing I’ve learnt, those that react strongly to your boundaries are those that need them enforced!
One of my close friends is a full-on people pleaser and she was more worried about the incident than I was. When she checked in on the day after, I said I’d done a self-assessment and was comfortable I’d operated within my value system and been fair but kind. Whatever anyone else thought was their issue. I’d set a boundary, and a bomb had been let off and that’s ok. The other party will need to deal with the debris.
Boundaries aren’t selfish or uncaring. You can care about people but not care what they think. Boundaries are barriers around your truth and authenticity. They protect you from being taken advantage of. They allow you to fill your own cup first so that then you can then assist with filling other people’s cups. I love helping others. I love been a supportive and kind friend and share my skills. I also like holding space for others to be generous and kind. We see the best of people when we allow space for them to shine and kindly enforce our boundaries.
People pleasing doesn’t really please anyone. It’s a path to resentment and losing our authenticity. Woman up. Set boundaries. Fill your own cup first and watch how bit by bit things improve. Remember if you set a boundary and the result is fireworks – that is a strong indication that the boundary was needed! Be brave. Please yourself!
