Stop crying and be a Man or I’ll leave your arse.
I can’t actually believe I heard those words on national TV, but I did. It was on a reality TV show granted, and ‘The Block’ are notorious for pushing contestants to the end of their tethers, but this was from a wife to a husband. I thought we knew better these days. Don’t we (collectively) understand that we need, for the benefit of us all, to provide safe spaces for men to express their emotions?
He was stressed, shaking, visibility distressed, talking through tears. He was overwhelmed and very clearly at the end of his coping capacity. He quietly went to the bathroom and asked for “just five minutes” and his wife came in and ridiculed him and left saying “Be a Man or I’ll leave your arse”.
I think a metaphoric wrecking ball fell on my head right at that moment. I saw exactly what was happening. The cultural conditioning. The gender divide. The expectations that he should shoulder all the burden and do it stoically. The humiliation she made him endure for being brave enough to be vulnerable. I also saw in that instant why domestic violence is still an issue and why, even though we have made progress, women are still suffering from the effects of toxic masculinity. Of course this isn’t the whole story, but if we don’t allow men the space to be vulnerable, to express their emotions then we force them to deal with them in other ways. I am an ardent supporter of women’s rights and will continue to fight for equality, but equality crosses the gender divide. Humans need connection, they need understanding and support, we need safe spaces to express our feelings and to process the inevitable difficulties life throws at us.
We have long past the days when it wasn’t acceptable for men to show their feelings, haven’t we? He’d been up all-night working. She’d had a few drinks and taken herself to bed at 9pm. He was beyond exhausted and overwhelmed, so he cried and said how he felt, and he was humiliated for his courage. Because it was courage to be vulnerable. He didn’t throw things, he didn’t yell, he didn’t blame anyone else, he just asked for five minutes to process. Instead, he got ridiculed and got told to “do better”. He broke in that traumatic moment, and I seriously hope they got him proper support very quickly. His pain was palpable. It was extremely uncomfortable to watch because it was so raw. Then he was shamed. That must have triggered so many men watching. For what it is worth blokes – you’re a thousand times more attractive when you’re real and authentic and tell us what you’re going through. It’s the basis for a true and deep connection and we may even be able to help.
His wife (on reflection) acknowledged that she didn’t know how to comfort him because he was the one who always comforted her. She also made the point that growing up in a Vietnamese family she wasn’t allowed to cry or express anguish herself so that was part of her conditioning. Very fair points. However, the result of this conditioning was a man breaking. A man clearly expressing despair and pain and there didn’t seem to be any support mechanisms in place to allow him space to process that. The cameras kept rolling. The demands kept coming. He clearly articulated his pain. He was vulnerable and clear. He needed support and what he got was ridicule and shame with his vulnerability being part of the entertainment cycle.
WE need to do better. On World Mental Health Day we need to create spaces for us all to be process difficult emotions and find comfort. We need to encourage (especially) men to be vulnerable, to express their emotions, to seek solace and we have a responsibility to offer safe spaces for them to do so. Spaces that do not include ridicule or shame. Good mental health is intrinsically important to our wellbeing and the wellbeing of our communities, for us all.
