The big freeze. The cut. The ignore. The chill. Well, it’s one way to tell someone you’re not happy with them.
It is, however, such a passive, aggressive way of dealing with issues! In the past, receiving the freeze would send me into a scurry to try and fix the issue and win them back. Not anymore. Now it is a lever to a freedom and ease that I am constantly seeking. It is truly liberating.
I’ve been subject to the big freeze not once, but twice in the last couple of weeks and ironically, it’s been a wonderful thing. Both chill guns were fired by woman. One is an ex “friend”. Well to be fair, through our partners we were in the same social group, but we never had a real friendship. We were thrown together and forced to get along. As social circumstances have changed, she obviously no longer feels the need to get along and very publicly froze me out at a recent event. When I say froze, she walked over to our group and said hello to everyone but me and then pointedly ignored a direct question I asked her. I smiled and let it go (get the pun?) but I didn’t like it. My close girlfriend said I was mumbling like rain man (she is forgiven because not only was that funny, but it was also pretty true).
On reflection though, I am glad that she fired that freeze. I now have no reason to tolerate her in my life and she has been toxic to our wider circle for so long, it is a relief. That behaviour confirmed what I always knew about her. I was tolerant for the sake of my partner and the wider group. I can now let the relationship drift off into the sunset. I don’t need to retaliate or feel any regret. Her behaviour made my choice easy. I know how much I’ve grown because my first step was to evaluate my own behaviour, had I done anything to cause this? Was I responsible? Of course, there are always multiple parts to a story and I’m not sure any of us, and definitely not me are totally innocent on any occasion. So, I acknowledged my contribution to the freeze, vowed to do better and happily let it go (yes, the Frozen pun again). The freedom and comfort in letting it go, in not having to have someone in your life for the sake of keeping the peace, the joy of having a circle you can totally trust and rely on – that is totally worth the uncomfortableness of the big freeze.
Understanding the pain behind her actions, having empathy for her as a person and as someone who is lashing out is part of my process, but I am not responsible for how she processes her pain. Healthy adults verbalise their issues and seek solace, or time out or resolutions. They don’t use passive, aggressive juvenile tools. I choose to be around emotionally healthy adults and to not have toxic people in my circle. The big freeze (ironically) makes it easier to have that.
The second freeze was at a school event and was from an acquaintance. It was very pointed, and I understand why. Her daughter has been desperate for my daughter’s friendship, and they are just not compatible. I have made a point of ensuring my daughter is kind and fair, but they are chalk and cheese, and Miss J finds this child very difficult to be near. I know the mother sees this behaviour as a reflection of me and the freeze is her way of saying my child is hurting and therefore, I’m hurting. That’s ok. I get it. We all want to protect our children. I feel for my daughter when someone isn’t keen to be her friend either, but I understand that we are not all meant for each other. As my good girlfriend said (the same one with the rain man comment), I can’t let it get to me and the kid can be a bit annoying (mind you – we can all be annoying). With this freeze I understand, but I let it go without it really touching me. It isn’t my issue to deal with. I have talked at length with my daughter to ensure she is being kind and that is all I can ask of her. She should not be forced to have someone in her circle that annoys her so much she is agitated. She has the right to choose her circle. Her responsibility is to be kind and fair.
Hard and interesting lessons, but I am ultimately thankful for the big freezers – they show me who I don’t want to be and what I don’t want to do. I am a big girl and I own my story and will have the hard conversations, even when they are uncomfortable. I like living in the sunshine, and I like my toxic free inner circle.
